A Powerful Way To Help Our Teenage Friends Deal With Discouragement

Our middle and high school friends often encounter discouragement. Sometimes it’s from their parents, through rejection or divorce. Sometimes it’s a from a boyfriend or girlfriend who cheated or broke their heart. Sometimes it’s simply in the form of being made fun of by their peers. Most often it comes from failing to meet their own standards and fulfill their own dreams.

As youth ministers, we try to relate to our teenage friends. We tell them everything will be okay and encourage them to focus on positive things or assure them God loves them.

But I think it’s rare that we actually practice what the Bible teaches in regards to helping our friends deal with discouragement. The Bible encourages us to die and rise with Jesus in every decision, every relationship, and every circumstance.

When Paul faced the physical and emotional discouragement of being "hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-10), he didn't tell himself to stay positive and that everything would be okay.

Instead, he told himself (and all Christians) that these circumstances were opportunities to die and rise with Jesus.  "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body" (2 Corinthians 4:10).

In other words, Paul reinterpreted the hardship and discouragement through the lens of "always" carrying Jesus' death in his body "so that" he could experience Jesus' resurrection life.

For Jesus, death and resurrection were onetime events.  But for Jesus' followers, death and resurrection are the rhythms of the Christian life.

Practically speaking, what does this look like?

Think about one of your middle or high school friends whose parents are getting a painful divorce.  How does this situation relate to dying and rising with Jesus?

Just as Jesus faced death and prayed to be taken out of a terrifying situation (Matthew 26:39), this student is facing the death of their parent's marriage and likely wants the situation to end. Death in all forms (emotional, relational, reputational, financial, moral or physical) is always painful, both for Jesus and for us.  Let’s recognize this and acknowledge their discouragement for what it is--an awful experience of death.  This allows our friends to grieve and mourn, just as Jesus mourned in a psalm of lament on the cross (Psalm 22; Matthew 27:46).

Our teenage friends may find some release through mourning deeply (and even angrily) the death of their parent's marriage.  But with Jesus, death is never the end. It is only the beginning.

Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it" (Matthew 16:24-25).

Just as little league leads to big league and middle school leads to high school, with Jesus- death inevitably leads to resurrection.

Rather than lashing out, denying their parent's divorce bothers them, or creating an alternate life of pleasure or escape (all of which are attempts to avoid the reality of death and maintain some version of life through their own strength), we can encourage them that when we die with Jesus, he promises to raise us from the dead. Just as nothing could keep Jesus in the ground, nothing can keep us in the ground either, if Jesus' resurrection Spirit lives in us.

Think of everything that tried to keep Jesus dead: a guard of soldiers, a huge stone, a seal, hush money paid to the soldiers and lies from religious leaders about a stolen body. It all failed.  Similarly, much will try to keep our friends in the tomb after their parent's divorce. They might struggle with thoughts like, "I'm on my own now, nobody cares for me, my only option is to take care of myself, healthy relationship is impossible for me."

But just as God the Father inevitably raised Jesus from death, God will inevitably raise us, as we die with Jesus in our daily life, relationships, decisions and hardships.

What does resurrection practically look like?

We spend so much time dreading and fighting death, that embracing the cross with Jesus and imagining the inevitability of resurrection is often difficult.

We can't manipulate or control how Jesus raises us from the dead.  But resurrection after going through the death of your parents’ divorce could look like:

• A new closer friendship with a friend or pastor
• A strong experience of living in community and being cared for by the body of Christ.
• Increased dependency on the love and care of God.

Whenever we face discouragement, we also face a choice. We can desperately fight to maintain life and happiness on our own, OR we can daily die with Jesus and trust him to raise us from the dead. Death and discouragement are so painful… BUT JESUS… Jesus is capable and desires to form a far better resurrection life than we can ever create on our own.

Written by Elijah Lovejoy: Executive pastor at Church of the Redeemer in Greensboro, NC.

Charging for Youth Group

After 19 years of leading a weekly youth group, I've finally started charging kids to come. Our youth group meets on Sunday nights from 6-8pm and we've developed a rhythm of beginning our time with dinner together. It's typically cooked by Papa John, but sometimes we go homemade or catered.

In the past, I've asked folks to bring $5 whenever they come, to help cover the cost of pizza and drinks, but most kids forget and don't have cash on them. They say "we'll bring money next week" but then never do. In the spring, it took a toll on the youth budget, so this fall I decided to attempt a different approach.

I asked parents ahead of time to budget and plan to pay $75/kid for the semester. We're meeting 14 Sunday nights this fall, so it's about $5/dinner. 

It might feel strange to charge for youth group, but parents would be paying for their child's dinner either way and $5 is pretty cheap to feed a growing teenager. Also, parents are used to paying for their children's activities: school, sports, etc... and many of them appreciate not having to remember cash each time. 

To borrow a poker term, the biggest advantage has been that kids are "pot committed." Now that they've made a financial investment, they're less likely to miss each week. If you're paying for a piano lesson, you're less likely to skip- same principle. This semester, our attendance has been the highest and most consistent ever. I think a big reason is that kids are literally bought in. 


*I contacted a few specific parents ahead of time who I knew might have trouble paying. I told them I didn't want this to be a financial burden, so just to pay what they could, when they could.

10 Kids Who Are Listening

Someone once told me, "If you speak to broken people, you'll always have an audience." When we're speaking to teenagers, it's important to remember who is actually listening. As I'm writing a talk for youth group, I try to think about how it will relate to different kids who might be listening. 

10 Kids Who Might Be Listening:

1. A high school junior who is exhausted and feeling like a failure because she can do it all.
2. A kid who grew up in church but hasn’t been in a while because of his parents' divorce. He's back visiting with a friend this weekend, but not really sure what to believe about God anymore.
3. A gifted senior who is passionate about Jesus, ready to serve, and hungry to learn what it means to follow him. They long for an older person to notice them and invest in their life.
4. A teenage guy who is distracted by his phone and could care less about what the Bible says. He just wishes his parents would let him sleep in on Sundays and finds church irrelevant to his teenage life.
5. An 8th grade boy who feels like a hypocrite because he looked at porn last night and is sitting in church this morning.
6. A middle school girl who has been sexually abused but is too afraid to tell anyone. They've been betrayed by someone they love and not sure they can trust anyone ever again.
7. A teenage girl who can’t focus on your talk because they’re trying to figure out a way to not have anyone notice when they throw up on purpose after their family lunch at the Mexican restaurant following church. They’re going to the pool this afternoon and can’t eat and wear a bikini on the same day.
8. A doubter, searching for truth and hope. It was a big risk to even show up in a church, but they’re not sure where else to look.
9. A 6th grader who is trying to understand and learn, but is also drawing pictures of Pokemon while soaking up more than they’re letting on.
10. A student who feels like a disappointment to their parents, like they’ll never be good enough.

How does the Gospel speak to their situations, fears, and hopelessness? 

A Youth Ministry Plan for Churches Without Active Youth Ministry

I often get calls from churches asking me to connect them with potential youth ministry candidates. There's a common problem in almost every request. Most churches think they know what they want. The problem is that what they want is actually not going to help them create a sustainable youth ministry model in their churches.

The typical request is for a part-time youth person (PTYP), someone who is:

• young 
• energetic
• single
• part-time
• low pay

Hiring this person typically ends this way:

• PTYP builds relationships with teenagers and the kids love him/her.
• PTYP doesn't develop a team of volunteers.
• PTYP doesn't equip parents.
• When PTYP leaves the church for a full-time job, the church is back to square one, just 2-3 years later.
• PTYP isn't paid well and has to get other job(s) to make ends meet.
• Ministry is demanding and there is no such thing as "part-time youth ministry" as relationships spill into most every area of life.
• As a result of being under-paid and spread thin, the PTYP quickly burns out.

So what's the solution?  Below are a few of my recommendations for smaller churches. 

If you're going to hire, but only have money to hire part-time:

STEP 1: Consultant

Spend some of that money on a youth ministry consultant and bring them in to work with your church on figuring out what kind of person you need to hire. If you would like to talk more about this, I do lots of consulting with churches and would love to help you, contact me here. 

STEP 2: Wage

After working with a youth ministry consultant to develop your job description, determine what a fair wage is for that role. Typically youth pastors are paid similarly to school teachers in your county. A teacher's job is 10 months/year, so that will need to be adjusted according to the hours, experience and expectations of the position. If your church is unable to pay a fair wage, don't hire someone now. Make a plan to begin setting money aside now, so that you could potentially hire that person in 1-2 years. Make sure to include the expenses discussed in step 4. 

STEP 3: Job Description

When you're ready for the hiring stage, look internally first. You want to hire someone who desires to be a part of your church, not just someone who needs a job. You might think that there are no suitable candidates in your congregation, but think about teachers, educators, parents, and others who enjoy being with teenagers, but who have the primary skill set of developing teams and leaders. You want your youth ministry person to not just entertain kids and draw them to himself or herself, but to be able to help connect teenagers with:

1. Jesus

2. Their parents

3. The local church

4. The world

You want to hire someone who can build a team of people who will invest in both children (future teenagers) and current teenagers. The youth ministry role is best done by a leader who can develop other leaders:

- Bible teachers

- Mentors

- Parents

- Service project coordinators

- etc...

STEP 4: Invest

Invest in the person you hire. Youth ministry is often lonely and discouraging. Many youth pastors burn out because they are functioning as an island. Here are a few ways you can invest in that person:

1. Surround them with a prayer team.
2. Require them to spend time alone with the Lord (make them take a monthly full day of sabbath and pay for them to go to a local retreat center 12x/year.)
3. Require them to have a mentor/spiritual director/counselor- someone outside of the church that can be a safe place on a consistent basis. If it costs, pay for it for them. 
4. Require them to have a youth ministry coach/partner. No one is an expert. Youth ministry is ever changing. Find a more experienced youth minister in your city, even if it's a different denomination, and pair them up. You can also get youth ministry coaching through the Young Anglicans Project.
5. Send them to a youth ministry training event once a year. It will be expensive, but it will pay off. It is an investment in them and in the kingdom. Youth ministry conferences help open our eyes to other great youth ministry practices, but more importantly, they kindle the fire for Christ and teenagers that is already lit in most youth pastors- sometimes it just needs to be stoked. 

STEP 5: Think Younger

One of the best ways to start a vibrant youth ministry is to start it before you have any teenagers. When I was hired at Redeemer as the PTYP we had 0 middle or high schoolers. The church was 30 people, but we did have 3 kids in 4th grade and a few in 2nd and 3rd. Those kids are now in high school and I have been friends with them for 6 years. Now we have over 60 teenagers in our youth ministry, and it started by developing relationships with children and their parents. 

STEP 6: Think Ordained

When we think of PTYP, we often think 20-somethings. They do have time and energy, but I would encourage you to think about hiring, not a youth pastor, but an associate pastor. 

It's more expensive to hire someone older, but they don't have to be older. The main distinction I'm trying to make is that their role not be a silo, that they're not hired to just "babysit kids" and take care of that one specific demographic of the church. 

When you give someone a title of "associate pastor," it carries more weight and more diverse responsibilities. It helps the youth integrate into the larger body of the church.  Hire someone who will do more than youth. Hire someone who will preach regularly and minister to both adults and teenagers. 

My Story

Last year I was ordained as a priest and yet still primarily wear my "youth pastor hat." My hope is that we would have more deacons and priests in the Anglican church doing active youth ministry. Getting to preach and minister to adults and parents is a vital part of youth ministry.

Over 40% of our congregation is currently under the age of 18. A big reason for that was my rector's vision for youth ministry before we even had teenagers at our church. He hired me as an associate pastor and commissioned me to spend a majority of my time in the community with kids and teenagers. I was only part-time, and had to work other jobs, but I was able to be invested in the community. I volunteered with Young Life and met local high school students.

I currently preach once every 6 weeks, lead music and worship most every Sunday, and I'm now full-time at the church. I was part-time for my first 3 years and had other jobs, but it took a toll on my family and kids. My ordination process was halted because my life was spinning out of control. As I was trying to make ends meet financially, the demands of multiple jobs spread me too thin and led me to a place of unhealth. Thankfully, my church intervened and began putting in place some of the requirements I mentioned in step 4. Now, almost 4 years later, my life is completely different and my relationship with the Lord and my family is vibrant and growing. I hope to be at Redeemer for a very long time!

That's my own story and everyone's is different, but there's the one thing I hope you take away from this post. Please don't hire someone you can use and squeeze the most energy and time out of for the least amount of money. Instead, invest in someone, build the kingdom, and plan for the future. It will pay off dividends in the long run!

Feel free to contact me with further questions. -Drew Hill

Let's Come Up With A Handshake

Intricate handshakes are awesome. If you don't believe me, check out this video of NBA star, Dwayne Wade, and TV host, Kelly Ripa. If you want more proof, check out the most elaborate handshake ever courtesy of the Coastal Carolina baseball team.

3 Ways to Use Elaborate Handshakes in Youth Ministry

Mixer/Upfront Game

Have kids pair up and give them 3-5 minutes to come up with an elaborate handshake and to practice. Have leaders walk around and judge. Pick out the best 3 and bring them up front to perform and the audience can vote for the winners. Make sure no kids get left out. Mixers that involve pairing up can be stressful for kids, hoping someone wants to be with them. You could avoid it by writing numbers on kids hands as they come into youth group and then everyone pairs up based on their number. Have 2 lines of entry and 2 youth leaders with sharpies marking hands.

Program Characters/Run-on

If you're using skit characters to sell a fall camp weekend, why not add an elaborate handshake into your routine? If you're doing skit characters at camp, you could work it into your characters routine and give kids an award when you see them around camp performing their E.H.S. (Elaborate Hand Shakes). 

"I'm Dusty, and I'm Rusty...and we're 6th year seniors at Eerie High School...EHS fo' lyfe! EHS! EHS! EHS! We like to catch snakes...and turn em into steaks...but our favorite past time...is ELABORATE HAND SHAKES. EHS! EHS! EHS! (Chanting)

Small Groups

D-Wade discusses with Kelly Ripa about the fact that he has special handshakes with each of his teammates. What if your small group did the same thing. Every time someone from your group walked into a room, they did the different handshakes with every different person in your small group. You could even have a different small group perform at youth group each week.